This is technically the second one.

I was in the middle of typing out a very long post when my laptop disconnected from my wireless. I had to c&p it into a text document, restart my computer, but before I'd done that I previewed the post on my phone to see how far I'd gotten before my Wi-Fi had cut out and it was only like half. So while I was waiting for my computer to update I was looking at my old posts and fell down my own rabbit hole (that sounds dirty) and now here I am almost 2 hours later and have still not completed the other post but I want to do a questionnaire (I don't know why) so here it is.

1. I don't think I can pick just one thing, honestly. I've been facing questionable shit since I was literally a baby. It's been an ongoing curve for me that I hope has stopped. Or at least slows down. Or something.

2. Being made to feel like a victim. Again and again. Is it me? What am I doing to make this happen? Why do I keep choosing people that do this stuff to me? and any number of other things that ran through my head before I learned it was never me. I was not the problem. The assholes are the problem. Always.

3. Most like myself. Man, I don't know. It's less of a place and more of just who I'm with. I can be in my own home, uncomfortable as you please, because of who's here. But then 10 minutes later I could be in a new place with my best friend and most like myself as ever.

4. My own head.

5. If he hadn't passed away 8 years ago, my grandpa. But being as life is, it's hard to say though and I'm not really sure why that is.

6. My health/body. I'm too young to be going through this shit and it annoys me. I resent it. I shouldn't have to deal with it. I should be healthy and enjoying my life. I should have the energy to play outside with my kids. I should not need a hysterectomy at 29 years old. If I could change anything it would be that I was just healthy.

7. I would do all of the drugs I never wanted to do normally.

lol No, not really. I'd spend it with everyone that is most important to me.

8. Decade? Like.. my own decade, 30s, 40s, 70s. Or the world's decade, '80, '50, '20. I honestly have no idea either way. I'm excited for my 30s. I'm hoping to be past a lot of this bullshit with my 20s. And I'd love to visit each decade to see them first hand but I wouldn't want to live in them. This one sucks but I'm content here.

9. Probably my mom? I don't know. I'm lame.

10. Ask me this a year ago first person would have been Ang. But due to circumstances far outside both our control life has gotten in the way for both of us. We don't talk as much as I miss her immensely. I realize that isn't the question.

Right now I'd say Jess? She knows things.

11. Oh I just read the best description of Ang in one of my old posts. Can I refer to that one? lol

She's just the most amazing person I've ever met. And I haven't even met her. We've been friends for 7 years and she is still my bestbestbestbest friend.

12. Gawsh, everything. Nothing was too farfetched for me.

13. Wow, I have no idea. I love to learn and I love knowledge. I'm witty and funny. I love books and read a lot. I like rules and I like to follow them. Though, sometimes they're strictly my own self imposed rules. I have a lot of faults. I'm stubborn and annoying and weird (good and bad) and can't always make up my mind. When I believe I'm right about something it's very hard to shake my stance on that. I will admit a no but it never comes easily. I cry when I'm angry.

If that makes any character jump to mind, let me know!

14. I have a love/hate with them. It's only been the past year or two that I've taken them at face value.

"I like your hat/hair/nails/pants/shoes/shirt/etc."
"Thank you." Maaaaaaaaaaybe a small explanation, if it's something new or if the dress has POCKETS or I just coloured my hair or something to that effect. Or nothing if I'm just passing that person on the street. They simply get a smile and a thank you.

Before, being little in the self esteem category, I would delve too deep into the compliment and explain why I don't deserve it.

"Your nails are very nice."
"Oh, thanks, I completely messed up and had to redo this hand twice before I liked how it came out." (This actually happened once)

The higher I feel about myself the easier this becomes and even the freer I am about giving them out myself. It feels great to make people feel good about themselves.

15. I mean, both? Or one of each, rather. Is that allowed?

Suprise!

I have 10 minutes until I get Bub from the bus so I thought I'd answer some questions.

55. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I think a lot of that has to do with how our society is built. We work to live and live to work. You can't do much of worth without money. Even volunteering your time and energies requires money from somewhere, because no one can live off volunteer work. Bills need to be paid and food needs to be bought.

56. What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?

Some good music, a movie I've watched a million times, a hot cup of tea, a good book. Sometimes, although it's rare, people can lift me up.

57. Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?

I try to live without regrets. I don't want to be 80 and wishing I'd told that boy I liked him, or wish I'd gone on that roller coaster, or eaten that extra slice of cake. As mediocre as my life can sometimes be, at least I'm living it to what I want and not how I wish I was. Wait, does that make sense?

58. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Almost. I live on the second floor of an apartment building. On my patio I had a bench sitting against the railing. At this time, my son was 2 and wasn't able to climb the railing, so I didn't think anything of it. That was, until I was sitting on the bench and he used my leg to hoist himself over the edge of the railing.

If he'd done it quicker, or I had noticed a half second later, or any type of "if", he would have fallen over. It isn't something I like to contemplate because he did not fall over and now he's 4 and my little love.

59. Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?

I think people tend to take others for granted. I know I've been guilty of this. When the person is there, they're there, and you don't have to really think about them. When they're not there, you notice. Maybe it's not necessarily taking someone for granted either, but who really knows. I don't know what I'm saying anymore, lol.

Well, the numbers don't lie.

My grandma passed away on October 11. She was 89 years old.

I've been taking it very hard. I'm still actively grieving almost 7 years later from my grandpa, and I think my grief has seemed to compound on itself. The funeral gave me a lot of closure so since Tuesday I've been doing okay. Better, anyway.

I was right though.

'04 July x2
'06 November x1
'08 September x1
'10 February x1
'12 September x1
'14 August x2
'16 October x1

I'm literally terrified of what 2018 is going to bring. Like, who is going to die next?

I have half a mind to think I'll deliver surro babe in 2018 and skip next year completely.

I don't know.

In other news.. the kids have adjusted well to school. Bub was having a pretty difficult time. He needs more one-on-one time than the "average" kid, so it was hard for him to go from the daycare, with a class of maaaaybe 20 at any given time, to 25 to 30 kids every single day. Plus he started riding the bus to school. HUGE adjustment there.

The 3rd week, I think, the kindy classes were divided into 3 from 2. The 3rd class has maximum 15 kids and Bub was put into it. It made all the difference. We also had an IEP done up for him. Basically it explains where he needs help, how he needs help, if he's being difficult what to do in those situations (he has a tendency to run away when he doesn't want to do something).

The meeting was very hard for me. Miss has always been such an easy kid, with transitions and school and schedules and health, etc etc. Her school reports are always glowing. She's quite lovely. With Bub, I've dealt with much more concerning him. His life has been a roller coaster of emotions and strength.

In the past week or so, Bub has made leaps with getting on the bus. The first day, after he realized I was not getting on with him, he FREAKED. For a solid month I had to physically force him onto the bus. Meanwhile he's screaming, crying, trying to kick me, and overall just not having it.

I moved his bus stop and I think that had a big impact. I think, however, the smaller class has just made all the difference in the world. I don't get reports home about him, his bus reports have been perfect, and he's happy to go to school in the morning. Makes me really happy.

I've done and got myself a gym membership and a personal trainer. I figured it was finally time to put my health as a priority and start fixing myself. I've been going for a month now and it's been fantastic. I'm so happy I made this decision.

My trainer and I mesh really well and I'm super glad he was assigned to me, lol. I don't know if I would have worked as well with anyone else.

Even after only one month I'm already seeing changes. Weight loss, for one. Not much, maybe 10 lbs, but it's a loss in any case. My treadmill stamina is much better. And believe it or not, I think I actually have muscles!

I know! I could hardly believe it myself.

I'm excited to find out what my body can do and what I can accomplish.

We meet again.

I suck, that's not new lol.

Kids start school on Tuesday. Miss is very excited. She's made countless lists for the whole thing. Things to buy, what to do the morning of, what steps to take to get ready. She's been driving me batty. Bub doesn't care lol. It's still a foreign concept to him. It'll be real on Wednesday for his first full day. The JK's only go for half an hour on the first day, to meet the teacher and their other classmates.

He also turns the big FOUR tomorrow. Man, it's weird. At this point 4 years ago I was bored out of my mind sitting in a hospital bed, being monitored for pre-e. Collecting my pee in a jug, haha. He was early but you'd never know it now!

Not sure what we're doing yet tomorrow. Going to try to go somewhere fun. Today is a suuuper lazy day. We've been cuddling and watching Netflix.

I'm no longer engaged. I had a sort of epiphany and left him. I figure no one should go into a marriage not caring if they'll get divorced. I gave the marriage a year or two and divorced before I'm 30. Not even wanting to get married in the first place, there was no point. I'm happier than I've been in a long while.

I've got this weird streak going on. Since 2004, every two years, a birth or a death (one important to me) has happened. Literally, two years. Not much of 2016 is left so I'm wondering just when it's going to happen. Obviously a death because I'm not pregnant. My grandma's health is deteriorating quickly so I've been waiting for that phone call for months.

If it doesn't happen this year, I don't know. Honestly I'd expect her to hold on until 2018, but then nothing would have happened this year. I don't know, lol.

Also, 2004 and 2014 there were two deaths within days of each other. The first, two friends died in July. The second, my cat and grandpa dies 4 days apart. It's very weird.

Now that Bub's going to be in school I'll be looking for a full time job. Right now, pretty much whatever I can find. I need to get my dumbass in gear and get a resume written. The structure is there, just need to tweak it. Blarg. I'm hoping to be employed before the end of the month.

We finally found some info on Douchecanoe. An address from last year that may be outdated. I'd like to drive by and see if his car is there. But, what if he lives there and just isn't home, or got a new car? Finding someone is super annoying. I don't know how PI's do it.

Life goes on as usual.

That didn't last long.

It's amazing how busy one can be when they don't work every day.

My life. I'm still not working but my days fill up so quickly. Some I leave to just do nothing, but more often than not I've got something going on.

I got braces about 4 months ago and today I got new wires, bumpers, a power cable and elastics. My mouth feels full and is so very sore.

It's almost the end of the school year for my 9 year old. Her last day is next Wednesday. The boy will stay in day care until he starts JK, because of his language issues. He needs the routine, interaction and consistency.

Summer is filling right up with activities. Ma'am is going to 3 separate day camps this summer. Two of them are in July. We're going to try to go to the beach and hopefully fishing once or twice. And she'll probably do a bunch of fun things with her dad as well.

I've already gotten my first burn of the season, and it was a good one. Bubbles and peeling skin all over my chest, shoulders and upper back. Delicious.

Oh I'm getting married! Huge surprise, actually. I was very undecided on the topic and honestly still kind of am. It's more important to J than it is to me. He's been married once and never planned to do it again, so it's a big thing for him to want to take that step. I can do that for him.

We're having a JP ceremony this summer and then a big reception next Spring. With where my life is going right now it makes more sense to do it this way. And we're both happy with it.

Still working on the court stuff. The main issue is that no one can find him, which makes taking him to court a tad difficult. J did spot him a few weeks ago randomly so I know he hasn't left the city. It's just a matter of tracking him down now.

My cats, actually one or both, impregnated a female a couple months ago and she had the kittens last month. I've decided to keep one and I'm calling him/her Fritter. Cutest little thing. I'm hoping for a girl kitty.

Until next time.