25 February 2018

2016? Wow I really suck.

I actually have no idea why I write these, but 2016 seems nuts to me. I didn't think it had been that long since I'd last updated this but here we are.

Life has been pretty hard for me. Chronic illness is not my friend and I've had to come to terms with that. Constant fatigue (exhaustion when it's bad), various pain that doesn't like to be ignored. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis in September, but have been dealing with it for a year prior to that. Basically the endometrial lining is absorbed into the uterine muscle causing very painful periods. For me, it started only during my periods, then it would linger after, then come about early, and now it's every single day, all day. The pain can be managed through various methods but ultimately a hysterectomy is the only cure. That's where I'm headed.

My left knee has also been acting up lately. For a little over two years randomly when I walk it will kind of click inside my inner ear. No pattern to it, and as time went on it was more and more. About 6 months ago, maybe around the summer time, when I sat with my legs curled for too long my knee would be in a lot of discomfort. Weird way to type it, but yes. So I just wouldn't do that much. Then for about two months I'd get random sharp, shooting pains in my knee and down my leg at random times. And now, I wanna say for about two or three weeks, those pains have been almost every day.

I finally went to the doctor and got x-rays and ultrasound done. The x-ray results were fine and now I'm just waiting on the ultrasound. I'm at the point now 'do I want there to be something wrong so I can actually explain this pain, or do I want it to be okay and have no explanation'. I went through that a lot before I got the Adeno diagnosis. It felt good to have an explanation and a word to put to what I'd been going through for so long, but then it meant having to deal with a world I wasn't really ready for. I'm still pretty conflicted.

I broke a tooth last weekend and may need a root canal. Got a temporary fix on that baby until my insurance approves it.

BUT I'm finally over a cough that I had for literally 4 some months. Maybe even more, cause I don't remember anymore. It started in September and ended in/around December or Janaury. I don't even know. I do know that I had bronchitis and not pneumonia cause the x-rays said so. Then I dealt with some side effects of the antibiotics for a couple weeks after that.

We adopted a kitten in September and named her Mocha. She is very sweet, very playful and loves being pet but do not cuddle or pick her up. It's such a change from Butter because he LOVES cuddles and smushes and blankies and being carried around and everything. He's incredibly patient with Bub and his silliness whereas she isn't. She doesn't lash out and scratch but she doesn't stick around either. I'm very fortunately with these two. They're wonderful kitties and compliment the family well. They're both so silly and get along great. She's coming around really well and I love watching her accept us into her circle.

The kiddos are both doing fantastic.

Bub has lost TWO teeth. He's in SK and just got his graduation pictures done (cue ugly mom sobs). I've been working with the school about his issues and they're totally on board and supportive. We have an appointment with a pedi next month for a behavioral assessment. This will really open the door to a diagnosis for autism and so many supports for him everywhere else. I've already got a couple on the go right now but a lot of it is short term or temporary, at home or in centre/office based. He needs long term and at school help/support. Getting a diagnosis will help with that tremendously.

He's just as care free and inquisitive as ever. He wants to know everything as quick as his mind can form the question. He's so caring and so himself. Very hardheaded and steadfast and opinionated and makes sure you know exactly what's on his mind as soon as he does. Even if it's an hour after bed time to tell me that his (fake toy) tarantula spider is scared of the dark so he's going to let it sleep with him.

He adores tarantulas. He has about 6 or 7 fake ones living in a little colony on his dresser and a couple shirts with them on there. He loves shows with them (Eight Legged Freaks) and books. He's been begging me for almost a year to get one as a pet. As soon as I find a reputable breeder in my area I'll be gathering the moolah. "We can share it, mommy. It can stay in your room but we can share it." So sweet.

The gal is doing wonderfully. She is very much a young lady and it's kind of frightening sometimes. She's in grade 6 and still gets raving reviews from her teachers. They can't say enough good things about her during meetings. One said "If I could clone her and have 20 I would.". It makes me feel great to hear stuff like that, being a single mom and having raised her on my own. She's an amazing kid and most of that is because of me.

She went to Cuba with her aunt, uncle, grandma, and cousins for a week this month. She loved it there and had a great time. She didn't want to come home to the snow and the cold and I don't blame her one bit lol. She said she loved all of the food except for the international food. She isn't much for trying new things so that doesn't surprise me much. I'm really glad that her aunt offered for her to go with them on their vacation.

I had meant to get this out almost a week ago but as is my life, it happens lol.

Thanks for reading ;)

20 February 2018

This is technically the second one.

I was in the middle of typing out a very long post when my laptop disconnected from my wireless. I had to c&p it into a text document, restart my computer, but before I'd done that I previewed the post on my phone to see how far I'd gotten before my Wi-Fi had cut out and it was only like half. So while I was waiting for my computer to update I was looking at my old posts and fell down my own rabbit hole (that sounds dirty) and now here I am almost 2 hours later and have still not completed the other post but I want to do a questionnaire (I don't know why) so here it is.


1. I don't think I can pick just one thing, honestly. I've been facing questionable shit since I was literally a baby. It's been an ongoing curve for me that I hope has stopped. Or at least slows down. Or something.

2. Being made to feel like a victim. Again and again. Is it me? What am I doing to make this happen? Why do I keep choosing people that do this stuff to me? and any number of other things that ran through my head before I learned it was never me. I was not the problem. The assholes are the problem. Always.

3. Most like myself. Man, I don't know. It's less of a place and more of just who I'm with. I can be in my own home, uncomfortable as you please, because of who's here. But then 10 minutes later I could be in a new place with my best friend and most like myself as ever.

4. My own head.

5. If he hadn't passed away 8 years ago, my grandpa. But being as life is, it's hard to say though and I'm not really sure why that is.

6. My health/body. I'm too young to be going through this shit and it annoys me. I resent it. I shouldn't have to deal with it. I should be healthy and enjoying my life. I should have the energy to play outside with my kids. I should not need a hysterectomy at 29 years old. If I could change anything it would be that I was just healthy.

7. I would do all of the drugs I never wanted to do normally.

lol No, not really. I'd spend it with everyone that is most important to me.

8. Decade? Like.. my own decade, 30s, 40s, 70s. Or the world's decade, '80, '50, '20. I honestly have no idea either way. I'm excited for my 30s. I'm hoping to be past a lot of this bullshit with my 20s. And I'd love to visit each decade to see them first hand but I wouldn't want to live in them. This one sucks but I'm content here.

9. Probably my mom? I don't know. I'm lame.

10. Ask me this a year ago first person would have been Ang. But due to circumstances far outside both our control life has gotten in the way for both of us. We don't talk as much as I miss her immensely. I realize that isn't the question.

Right now I'd say Jess? She knows things.

11. Oh I just read the best description of Ang in one of my old posts. Can I refer to that one? lol

She's just the most amazing person I've ever met. And I haven't even met her. We've been friends for 7 years and she is still my bestbestbestbest friend.

12. Gawsh, everything. Nothing was too farfetched for me.

13. Wow, I have no idea. I love to learn and I love knowledge. I'm witty and funny. I love books and read a lot. I like rules and I like to follow them. Though, sometimes they're strictly my own self imposed rules. I have a lot of faults. I'm stubborn and annoying and weird (good and bad) and can't always make up my mind. When I believe I'm right about something it's very hard to shake my stance on that. I will admit a no but it never comes easily. I cry when I'm angry.

If that makes any character jump to mind, let me know!

14. I have a love/hate with them. It's only been the past year or two that I've taken them at face value.

"I like your hat/hair/nails/pants/shoes/shirt/etc."
"Thank you." Maaaaaaaaaaybe a small explanation, if it's something new or if the dress has POCKETS or I just coloured my hair or something to that effect. Or nothing if I'm just passing that person on the street. They simply get a smile and a thank you.

Before, being little in the self esteem category, I would delve too deep into the compliment and explain why I don't deserve it.

"Your nails are very nice."
"Oh, thanks, I completely messed up and had to redo this hand twice before I liked how it came out." (This actually happened once)

The higher I feel about myself the easier this becomes and even the freer I am about giving them out myself. It feels great to make people feel good about themselves.

15. I mean, both? Or one of each, rather. Is that allowed?

25 October 2016

Suprise!

I have 10 minutes until I get Bub from the bus so I thought I'd answer some questions.

55. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I think a lot of that has to do with how our society is built. We work to live and live to work. You can't do much of worth without money. Even volunteering your time and energies requires money from somewhere, because no one can live off volunteer work. Bills need to be paid and food needs to be bought.

56. What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?

Some good music, a movie I've watched a million times, a hot cup of tea, a good book. Sometimes, although it's rare, people can lift me up.

57. Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?

I try to live without regrets. I don't want to be 80 and wishing I'd told that boy I liked him, or wish I'd gone on that roller coaster, or eaten that extra slice of cake. As mediocre as my life can sometimes be, at least I'm living it to what I want and not how I wish I was. Wait, does that make sense?

58. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Almost. I live on the second floor of an apartment building. On my patio I had a bench sitting against the railing. At this time, my son was 2 and wasn't able to climb the railing, so I didn't think anything of it. That was, until I was sitting on the bench and he used my leg to hoist himself over the edge of the railing.

If he'd done it quicker, or I had noticed a half second later, or any type of "if", he would have fallen over. It isn't something I like to contemplate because he did not fall over and now he's 4 and my little love.

59. Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?

I think people tend to take others for granted. I know I've been guilty of this. When the person is there, they're there, and you don't have to really think about them. When they're not there, you notice. Maybe it's not necessarily taking someone for granted either, but who really knows. I don't know what I'm saying anymore, lol.

21 October 2016

Well, the numbers don't lie.

My grandma passed away on October 11. She was 89 years old.

I've been taking it very hard. I'm still actively grieving almost 7 years later from my grandpa, and I think my grief has seemed to compound on itself. The funeral gave me a lot of closure so since Tuesday I've been doing okay. Better, anyway.

I was right though.

'04 July x2
'06 November x1
'08 September x1
'10 February x1
'12 September x1
'14 August x2
'16 October x1

I'm literally terrified of what 2018 is going to bring. Like, who is going to die next?

I have half a mind to think I'll deliver surro babe in 2018 and skip next year completely.

I don't know.

In other news.. the kids have adjusted well to school. Bub was having a pretty difficult time. He needs more one-on-one time than the "average" kid, so it was hard for him to go from the daycare, with a class of maaaaybe 20 at any given time, to 25 to 30 kids every single day. Plus he started riding the bus to school. HUGE adjustment there.

The 3rd week, I think, the kindy classes were divided into 3 from 2. The 3rd class has maximum 15 kids and Bub was put into it. It made all the difference. We also had an IEP done up for him. Basically it explains where he needs help, how he needs help, if he's being difficult what to do in those situations (he has a tendency to run away when he doesn't want to do something).

The meeting was very hard for me. Miss has always been such an easy kid, with transitions and school and schedules and health, etc etc. Her school reports are always glowing. She's quite lovely. With Bub, I've dealt with much more concerning him. His life has been a roller coaster of emotions and strength.

In the past week or so, Bub has made leaps with getting on the bus. The first day, after he realized I was not getting on with him, he FREAKED. For a solid month I had to physically force him onto the bus. Meanwhile he's screaming, crying, trying to kick me, and overall just not having it.

I moved his bus stop and I think that had a big impact. I think, however, the smaller class has just made all the difference in the world. I don't get reports home about him, his bus reports have been perfect, and he's happy to go to school in the morning. Makes me really happy.

I've done and got myself a gym membership and a personal trainer. I figured it was finally time to put my health as a priority and start fixing myself. I've been going for a month now and it's been fantastic. I'm so happy I made this decision.

My trainer and I mesh really well and I'm super glad he was assigned to me, lol. I don't know if I would have worked as well with anyone else.

Even after only one month I'm already seeing changes. Weight loss, for one. Not much, maybe 10 lbs, but it's a loss in any case. My treadmill stamina is much better. And believe it or not, I think I actually have muscles!

I know! I could hardly believe it myself.

I'm excited to find out what my body can do and what I can accomplish.

03 September 2016

We meet again.

I suck, that's not new lol.

Kids start school on Tuesday. Miss is very excited. She's made countless lists for the whole thing. Things to buy, what to do the morning of, what steps to take to get ready. She's been driving me batty. Bub doesn't care lol. It's still a foreign concept to him. It'll be real on Wednesday for his first full day. The JK's only go for half an hour on the first day, to meet the teacher and their other classmates.

He also turns the big FOUR tomorrow. Man, it's weird. At this point 4 years ago I was bored out of my mind sitting in a hospital bed, being monitored for pre-e. Collecting my pee in a jug, haha. He was early but you'd never know it now!

Not sure what we're doing yet tomorrow. Going to try to go somewhere fun. Today is a suuuper lazy day. We've been cuddling and watching Netflix.

I'm no longer engaged. I had a sort of epiphany and left him. I figure no one should go into a marriage not caring if they'll get divorced. I gave the marriage a year or two and divorced before I'm 30. Not even wanting to get married in the first place, there was no point. I'm happier than I've been in a long while.

I've got this weird streak going on. Since 2004, every two years, a birth or a death (one important to me) has happened. Literally, two years. Not much of 2016 is left so I'm wondering just when it's going to happen. Obviously a death because I'm not pregnant. My grandma's health is deteriorating quickly so I've been waiting for that phone call for months.

If it doesn't happen this year, I don't know. Honestly I'd expect her to hold on until 2018, but then nothing would have happened this year. I don't know, lol.

Also, 2004 and 2014 there were two deaths within days of each other. The first, two friends died in July. The second, my cat and grandpa dies 4 days apart. It's very weird.

Now that Bub's going to be in school I'll be looking for a full time job. Right now, pretty much whatever I can find. I need to get my dumbass in gear and get a resume written. The structure is there, just need to tweak it. Blarg. I'm hoping to be employed before the end of the month.

We finally found some info on Douchecanoe. An address from last year that may be outdated. I'd like to drive by and see if his car is there. But, what if he lives there and just isn't home, or got a new car? Finding someone is super annoying. I don't know how PI's do it.

Life goes on as usual.